A Whateley Universe Story - April Fools Day Edition

I looked into the Abyss and It Winked

Vol Z Chapter 1 Unit 34

by

Drunkfu with help from Trusting and Tensai

My head ached with the pain of a thousand crushed genitals and the rest of me was in none too happy a state of being either. My ass was killing me as well, and quite prominently so as it was pressed against something hard and cold. Taking a chance I opened my eyes and immediately regretted doing so when I was blinded by an overwhelming flood of light and bright lines that set my headache off all over again, prompting me to shut my eyes closed quickly.

Hearing myself groaning, I made an effort to sit up and blindly feel around on the ground in hopes of finding a clue as to what the hell had happened to me. My mind wasn’t exactly clear, but the pain was starting to drain away slowly but surely.

Soon my hands brushed across a familiar object with large smooth glass surfaces and a thick wire frame around it.

Ah, my glasses!

I snatched them up and fit them back quickly to my face. Cautiously this time, I peeked my eyes open a crack and let them slowly acclimate to the blaring illumination until I could start making out an open sky, and buildings

The good news was that I was NOT naked.

You laugh, but when you wake up feeling like you just got roofied and your butt is killing you, you tend to worry about those things.

The layout of my surroundings was vaguely familiar to me, as was the dark skirt and blazer I was wearing. My head was finally starting to clear up as well, giving me the underappreciated ability to once more form coherent thoughts above the level of “ouch” and “LOTS OF OUCH”. I knew this place. I was at Whateley. I was also sitting on one of the many brick paths that wound about the campus, although I appeared to be within a smoking, roughly six foot wide circle burnt lightly into its surface.

Getting to my feet slowly, I made a few experimental movements to make sure everything was there and operational. My body was still throbbing angrily at me, and numb in other places, but everything seemed to be warming back up to nominal functionality. Schroedinger was nowhere to be seen, or felt, which was only partially unusual, it did like to wander when it wasn’t taking immensely long naps.

I scowled, pinching the bridge of my nose lightly and attempted to focus. That’s right, I was helping my roommate out with one of her experiments! Wunderkind had taken an interest in my transdimensional abilities and had constructed this crazy big bathysphere looking deal covered in force fields, and had asked me to attempt a dimensional shift while she had all the scanning dealies on and pointed at me.

Had it worked...? What was the point of that experiment, anyway? Had I just perked up at the chance to be a part of real science like that and blindly done whatever she said without asking questions? That sounds sort of like something I’d do (while secretly hoping it gives me superpowers).

Well, whatever the point of the whole thing was, I certainly hadn’t gotten very far.

I decided after standing there for a few minutes to gather my thoughts that I should head off towards the hospital. The faculty tended to get rather miffed at me when I didn’t check in after unscheduled trips between dimensions.

Getting my bearings, I recognized two of the closer buildings to be Poe and Hawthorne cottage, so the large reflective building further off that was doing a very good job of bouncing the sun’s light directly into my eyeballs must be the Doyle Medical Complex. I faced towards it and started to walk off in that general direction following the path I’d been passed out on.

A piercing shrill noise sliced into my brain renewing the throbbing headache I’d only recently just began to recover from. It repeated a second time, sounding like an eagles cry, and I realized it was someone saying my name at octaves of speech only the most high strung of females could have executed. “JOOOOSSSIIEEEEEEEEEE!”

Bounding (and I do mean bounding) from the entrance of Poe cottage came like a great typhoon of womanly curves a particular redhead that I recognized almost immediately. The pointed ears, the chest ample the way we think of gods as big, I knew her from my Introduction to the Mystic Arts class where she acted as the TA! But something looked very much off about her.

Her hair was up in a pair of long flowing red pigtails, and though she wore the school uniform it looked tight in places that I could have sworn she never had emphasized with her usual manner of dress. Her skirt looked tighter and showed off more of her legs, her buttoned down shirt was opened on the top at least like... three or four buttons down, and tied off just under the bounding mounds on her chest! Dear lord, I didn’t even think she was wearing a bra! What insanity was this!?

My mind raced just as she raced towards me while an attractive but nerdy looking blonde apparently holding both of their books squawked and tried to keep up.

She also seemed to have on a positively TRAMPY amount of makeup on her face. Okay, I’d been pranked before here, and this HAD to be a prank. An illusion. A shapeshifter!

I held my ground in the same way a scared rabbit on the street holds its ground when a car charges it at night with the brights on full.

An instant later her arms were flung wide around me, her body was warming mine, and her impossibly large bosom pressed to up against me like barely restrained jello molds.

Before I could stammer out some vowels or other letters, her lips were on my cheek and she was staring adoringly into my eyes with her perfectly violet elven peepers. “Oh, baby! I didn’t expect to see you out here, I thought you’d gone to Dunwich with those two boytoy sluts!” She pouted at me prettily.

“M-miss Fey, i-if we don’t hurry, we’re going to be late for class!” stammered the oddly humble and familiar feeling blonde behind her. Her hair was cursed with split ends, and it looked as though she’d given it up and tied it back in a tight bun.

Fey cursed and glared back at the girl. “Not NOW Solange! Can’t you see I’m greeting my beloved?”

The other girl went meek, and her gaze dropped to the ground and she murmured a quick and trembling apology.

What. The. Hell. Was. Going. On.

I was finding it hard to think with Fey pressed so closely against me and wriggling against in ways that were making my body exceed nominal levels of temperature, and there was something poking against my back! 

“Baby, why are you wearing those dirty old things again?” cooed the elven bombshell as she smiled, one delicate finger of her right hand tracing a line down the rim of my glasses. There was something REALLY off about this. I could swear she had a tattoo of a twisted star with a circle deal in the middle of it on the back of her hand! She did NOT have any tattoos the last time I saw her.

“W-well I need them!” I tried to explain. Something was wrong. Something was VERY wrong. My instincts to flee were gaining ground on the part of me that was drooling and repeating “boobies!” in my head like a virus infecting a computer.

“Silly!” she beamed. “Let’s skip classes, and go play in our secret place...”

My voice went off key and up several octaves I hadn’t thought my vocal cords capable. “AHAH GOSH! Uh I don’t really think I SHOULD, I-I think I have class work to do or something or homework t-to turn in and I REALLY should be going, probably.”

“You silly billy,” she said in a coy, teasing voice that melted my spine like so much butter on a hot griddle. “Why are you acting so shy? You’re usually always up for a little... “ she unslung her other arm from around me, and gently tapped my cheek with the rusted hook mounted on the bandaged stump of her wrist. Clumps of red hair were glued around it and eyes drawn in just above where the hook sprouted out like a long curved nose, and then she stroked it under my chin. “...Slap and tickle.”

I froze, my eyes threatening to launch from my eye sockets.

Why hadn’t I noticed that before?! You’d THINK I’d have noticed her MISSING A FREAKING HAND when she was bounding up to me with her breasts all bouncing everywhere and… Oh right. Bounding breasts.

“Eh-heh... yaaaaah well... I forgot all this homework I need to get done for my next class so uh, I don’t think I can manage the time to uh... slap and... pickle...?” Wait what did that even mean?

She pouted at me cutely, enough to distract me from the rusty razor sharp pirate’s hook she was scraping against the small of my throat. “Don’t be mean, baby. Just have the Alphas do it, that Don guy is just begging to get on your good side, let him do all the work while we plaaaaay.” She wiggled the hooked hand at me and talked out of the side of her mouth. “Unga Bunga say Josie come play, unga!”

I let out a tiny whimper.

“YOU FUCKING KEEBLER SCUNT!” sounded a woman’s voice off in the Poe cottage entrance.

A black girl with a body like a suburban jungle cat stood with her hips cocked and her hands at her sides like she had business going on. The feline similarities didn’t end with her sleek tight body and instinctive grace, because for some god awful reason she’d had tiger striped tattoos down on the sides of her face and lord knows where else, because they followed the exposed skin of her neck and vanished into her school uniform.

Fey went slack and let out a groan. “God. Can’t we have a fucking moment alone?” Then talked out of the side of her mouth and wiggled the stump with the hair and eyes and hook, as though it were talking. “Ung Bunga say gunna pound Darky like fist punching inside jar of mayonnaise!”

“A fucking moment is ALL you have on your mind you fat assed bitch!” spat the athletic girl who was stalking off towards her. “You think you can get alone time with MY girl without me knowing it? You thought you could drag that big sexy love machine off and squirrel her away without telling ME about it?”

“Fuck off T-Toni!” squealed Fey as the black girl grabbed her by the pigtails and yanked her back away from me to the ground, and then she was at my side like an affectionate cat, her hands all up and down my – HOLYSHIT SHE HAD AN EYEPATCH! An eyepatch with that same twisty five pointed star symbol on it, with the slitted eye looking thing in the middle!

“Sweety...!” purred Chaka. “You didn’t tell me you were coming back early! I thought we were going to… you know… play sensei and slut!” She bit her lower lip tentatively, her entire personality changing while Fey fumed behind her and glared hatefully. Solange stood by her at a loss as to what she should be doing.

“I don’t think so, jungle fever!” snapped Fey and she pushed Chaka off my arm.

“Oh you did NOT!” snarled back Chaka, and jumped back, tackling Fey to the ground and slapping her face furiously with the back of her hand. “Don’t think you’ll get my other eye you pointy eared pirate, no one punks Chaka twice! You’re getting more iron dust in your salad tonight you bitch!”

Fey screamed at her, trying to tear and rip at anything she could fit in her hand and hook. “Don’t just STAND there you bitch! Get this tramp off me!” she screamed at Solange. Then spoke out of the side of her mouth, “Unga Bunga slap a bitch!”

The entrancing spell the close proximity of breasts had put on me was dispelled just then, and I took the opportunity to walk, no, screw that, this was some insane level shit, I RAN from the scene as fast as my spindly legs could take me. Fleeing was the only articulate thought left in the white blasting oven of fear that was rattling my head.

What was going on? What WAS all that? It looked and smelled and felt just like the real Fey, and that other girl that she was always hanging out with, but there were missing EYES and hands! And they were all over me like I was their mack daddy pimptastic man candy! Was I just waking up from a Rip van Winkle like coma and this was the future? Did I get caught up in some crazy time travel experiment and I was now replacing future me who was apparently sporting mad pimp skills but had a fetish for amputees?

It wasn’t the last thought that stopped me in my tracks, it was the high pitched voices arguing that I’d heard once I’d turned the corner around the Doyle Medical complex in an effort to put myself out of sight of those two insane women I’d just ran from and get to the hospital where I could have someone examine my head.

Not too soon I quickly retreated back to hide behind the corner and try to figure out if I needed to hide from these people or get around them.

“J-Team! Use our might! Slaughter we must ex-pi-dite!”

Okay so run and hide then.

“HIII Jade-san, baka Tennyo wants to know if it’s super fun fun hentai kawaii time!!” squealed one of the voices, that despite using a variety of Japanese words, was clearly American.

“Four five six and eight, I’m kind of busy so you should mas-tur-bate!”

Furrowing my brow, I took a chance to peek around the corner and saw a tall imposing looking woman with spiky gravity defying hair and a crisp black leather female SS uniform, and a red band on one arm with a stylized Goodkind logo on it. Right away I noticed a similar twisted star marking on the back of her neck, like I’d seen earlier.

The tall girl had the voice of a drill instructor, but the vocabulary of a teenage boy that had seen too much Naruto. “Hmmf Jade-san no baka!”

“One, two, three and four! We’re gunna gut you like a whore! YAAAAAY!”

“Sooo mean!” She pouted. “And I wish you’d stop wearing Techwolf’s pelt around, you kono yaro!”

I squinted. The other figure was a small 12 year old looking asian girl dressed in a black cheerleader outfit with pink sequins and lines decorating it and spelling out ‘J-Team’ on her non existent chest... but over it, she had slung a massive animal pelt. She also had that weird star mark right square on her forehead like it’d been carved there.

“Silly sempai,” she groused. “It’s Bloodwolf’s. See? Can’t you tell from the silver burns on the seams? Don’t you recall me ripping it off him while he screamed? Seven, eight, nine and ten! I skinned that bitch and I killed his friend!” Looking proud, she gestured with her hands and the older girl leaned in to look closer. 

“Like totally soooo kaaaaa!” said the anime girl.

Suddenly the smaller girl’s eyes went blank, and then she shook her head. “Ah, Jezebel just came back. I better send Jack and Jill off to tell Josie there’s another girl running around that looks just like her. I’ll send Jiz out to find her!”

I waited no longer, I’d caught my breath, and I clearly did not want to be standing around here any longer than needed. These people were WEIRD! I wrenched myself free from my fearful cringing and ran, scrambled, tore up at a heart pounding pace back the way I’d came, circling around the medical building in the opposite direction in the hope of losing all the insane people behind me and getting inside.

There had to be a way out of here! Maybe if I could find a place to hide and calm down, I could slip out of this dimension and go somewhere far far away, someplace where only the tentacles tried to rape you and it was only physical, not a thorough savaging of my sanity like this!

Not far had I ran when a group of figures blocked me off, appearing out of a violet burst of light.

“You’ll receive extra thrashings this evening for not notifying me of this sooner, Jade,” growled a voice that I recognized more than any other. Something buzzing around her that looked rather like a flying My Little Pony doll painted black with nails sticking out of it at odd angles seemed to flail in the air and then fall to the ground lifelessly.

The central figure had said it, and she wasn’t even the most intimidating thing I was looking at. To be honest, I wasn’t sure WHAT the hell I was looking at.

“She looks just like you,” said the girl on one side of her that was plainly a girly figure in a boys school uniform, but with a pair of hips and a bust size that would have shamed a pornstar. Her hair was short cut, and bleached rather badly into a blonde color you’d expect to see on a prostitute. It confused me terribly that her face looked exactly like the regal looking woman I’d shared my Intro to Mystic arts class with. It was the Goodkind! The stuck up one! Even more confusing was THE BEARD.

Ages ago while growing up, I remembered seeing reruns of the old original Star Trek show on TV. I recalled an episode when Kirk had traveled to a reverse universe, where everyone that was good was a jerk, and everyone that was a jerk was a wuss, and Spock, his loyal logical friend, had an evil looking black goatee.

The Goodkind girl had the exact same growth of facial hair framing her mouth in a well groomed fuzz.

“Aww, she does look like you, Josie! She’s so cute and shy, Hunky wants to play with her!” fussed the obviously male person with the long brown hair on her other side. He was wearing a form fitting SS uniform that was similar to the one I’d seen on the Tennyo girl, and it was obvious that this one also was meant for a female figure, judging from the fishnet stockings, and extremely tight mini skirt, that scared me frightfully so because it rode up high enough to show off another of those twisted star tattoos on her upper inner thigh. What made it obvious that this person was not a female was not just the broad flat chest and strong chin hidden under caked on makeup, it was the horrible implications of the very noticeable bulge straining the front of his outfit.

Ayla groaned, and yanked on a leash that was attached to a spiked collar that the young man wore. I noticed a ring on her finger with the twisted star symbol bearing the eye inside of it. “Hannah, control yourself, you slut!”

Hannah jerked back and whimpered, but then Ayla gave me an appraising look. “Hmm... then again, she is kind of cute. Hey, Mistress J. Can we have her? What do you think, Josie’s copy? How do you feel about joining Hannah and me for... sausage night?”

The scream wouldn’t even come out, so I took a step backwards to turn and run, and suddenly there was someone behind me, stepping out of the shadows. A lithe female figure was there, dressed in a long chinese dress that was slit up so far up her leg I could see the twisty star shaped tattoo on her right bum cheek, the same I’d seen on every other single person that had been acting so weird, a cigarette puffing away at the end of a long stick in her mouth, and her hands stroking a long Fu Manchu mustache.

The central figure stepped forwards, and I recognized the face just as easily as I’d recognized the voice. It was me.

Well, not really me.

It was me if I’d woken up one day and decided I was a dominatrix. She enforced that image with a spiked leather switch that was she was holding in her hand, twitching it irritably. Oddly she was not wearing glasses like I was. I never realized before how dark and soulless my eyes looked before I stood before my own copy and found myself staring into them.

I let out a helpless whimper.

Apparently growing bored of me, the Goodkind girl sneered, “Mistress J, if you want this girl disposed of, I can have Hannah maul her. I have connections, they’ll never even find the body.”

The other version of me stood before me, sleek weasel like body fit into a leather glove that hugged her curves and round butt (that I dearly hoped was not a sign of things to come) like a glove when she tilted her hips and planted one hand on them, looking at me thoughtfully. “No, not this one. I’m going to have to put her back where she came from, damaging her could cause ill effects on my own person. She’s part of my...” a smile curled across her lips. “Well, you all wouldn’t understand it anyway.”

Startled, I half turned behind me, and gulped when I saw the long mustache wearing asian girl flanking my retreat lowering her hand from an old chinese sword she had somehow concealed behind her. “No fun,” she said sourly in a strangely southern sounding accent.

“Right, can’t we just mess her up a LITTLE before you send her back? It’d be such a waste!” The Goodkind pouted coyly in a way that would have melted me if it had been Fey, but had the complete opposite effect when uttered by the imposing transvestite with the beard.

“Mistress Ayla,” cooed the broad chested man in the skirt. “Can’t we live and let live? She’s sooo cute, we could toy with her for days before she breaks! Haven’t you heard of turning the other cheek?”

“I’ll turn your other cheek!” the Goodkind snapped at Hannah, much to the other’s squealed delight.

Everyone went still when my double raised a hand, and they turned to her patiently, listening. “I don’t like being questioned,” she said in a voice that was MINE, but somehow infinitely colder. “Besides, it’d be like some weird form of incest, or... masturbation, I guess, and once a month of either is more than enough for me. No harm is to come to... oh... well.” Her frown twisted into a grin, and she eyed me. “Maybe we can give her a LITTLE something to remember us by. You have 30 seconds until I finish the incantation and she goes back to her own dimension.”

I screamed like a girl.

I woke up!

The side of my face ached from where I’d apparently been sleeping with it pressed firmly to the keyboard, drool dribbling from my lip. Dumbly I brought up my sleeve and wiped it across my mouth to dry it and looked around the room.

Ah, I was in my dorm room again. Wunderkind was sleeping soundlessly in her bed in a mess of blankets, and Schroedinger was sitting outside the window staring inside at me with wide round eyes.

The screen before me suddenly blinked back to life, perhaps prompted to do so by the movement of my face across the keyboard. I’d be willing to wager the words QWERTY were written across my forehead in reverse. I righted my glasses and took a closer look at the screen.

A word processor had been opened and the remains of a bad fanfic about the other girls at the school was still half finished in it. Okay. Well. I didn’t need any more of this horrid nonsense haunting my dreams. I deleted the file and closed the program, then stretched my arms up above my head and got up, and shuffled towards my bed.

Something stung.

Annoyed, I reached behind me and rubbed at the small of my back, not able to see the tramp stamp style tattoo of the twisted star with the eye in the center of it marking my flesh.