Spiralling by Domoviye

Oh god, the fight to save Sterling from Pastel's POV, this is worse a second time around. Pastel, this fight was scary, it is okay to be frozen when you are scared like this, combat paralysis is a thing and nothing to be ashamed of. Finally moving, starting to heal Avsel, but that is ruined by the psycho they are fighting.

She actually grabs Sterling's soul to try and force it back in, but it just disappears, to feel that actually happen to someone, Pastel, is going to need all the help she can get right now. Oh god, this was all a nightmare of the fight, she blames herself for not being able to heal Sterling, for what happened to her.

“Why can't I do anything right?” she whispered to herself. “Why do I have to always fuck everything up?”

She needs to talk about this and be told it wasn't her fault, she did all she could.

Survival Class
Monday November 28th, 2016

Riley, not nicknames unless the other person approves of them. Okay, never mind, they have nicknames for each other. Punky Boobster, heh, never heard that one for Riley before. Shisa, you little goof, I know it is harder for you to get caught tripping students you don't like, but maybe don't push your luck. Crud, Riley wasn't there and asks about what happened. Whoa, Pastel is really messed up to say that to Riley and run off ahead of her.

Not showering to get people to leave her alone, oh, girl, don't do this to yourself. Ignoring Emiko calling out to her. Shisa knows Pastel is pissed off and asks if she wants to talk, but she doesn't want to talk about it. Trying to push it down, bury it, and not talk about it, will only make it worse in the long run, Pastel.

At least Shisa is there to listen if Pastel changes her mind about talking, a true friend. Darn it! No, don't do the what ifs someone else had been there instead of you, what if you hadn't frozen out of fear, it doesn't do you or anyone any good to think about the what ifs, it just leaves you frustrated, and even more upset than before. Pastel! You do not think about yourself like that ever, you tried your best, and no one can ask for more.

Making herself sick with this, vomiting in the bathroom, and Shisa is there for her as she knows Pastel shouldn't be alone at a time like this. Shisa wearing the clip-on to talk, whoa. God, Pastel's thoughts about herself and Shisa, this hurts to read, no one should blame themself for what the actions of others cause when all they did was try to help. Trying to drive Shisa away with the reason she doesn't want Shisa to go to jail, I see what you are doing Pastel, but a true friend won't abandon you in your time of need no matter how much you lash out.

Oof, running off to the stoners shed, no one there so Pastel can be alone. This isn't good. Getting stoned to try and push away the pain, Shisa, go tell someone about Pastel, please.

Fuck Dr. Markham, fuck the school, fuck everyone, and fuck herself most of all.

I see why the story is called Spiralling, but I hope someone pulls her out of it before it is too late, this is heartbreaking to watch. At least Shisa is with her.

After Class

Dr. Markham having a session with Pastel, asking why she skipped class today. Ah, her old leather jacket, I think we all have a piece of clothes we cling to like armor against the world. How she is feeling, I know Dr. Markham is trying to be gentle with her, but after what happened to Sterling she should have an idea of how Pastel feels. Ouch, Pastel, you went through a traumatic event, keeping your word when your mind and emotions are dealing with that isn't as important as getting help.

Almost an entire year living on the streets with other teens, that long, and to have this happen. No! Healing is not the only thing that makes you worth anything, you are a human being and you matter no matter what you can or can't do. Pastel, Sterling was forgotten by people she cares about, manipulated and gaslit by a sociopath, and betrayed; she didn't feel like she had anything to live for, it isn't your fault you couldn't save her.

Arrggh! Running out of the appointment, just wanting to be alone, thinking it is what she deserves. Please, let someone, anyone, get through to her. The more deserted areas of the tunnels, no! Oh god, her thoughts are getting worse, please someone stop her! Oh, good, an Asian boy shows up and snaps her out of her thoughts, needs a way out of the tunnels and to the workshop so Pastel is going to be his guide. Came down there from Range 6, no wonder he is so lost. Tie Fu Tu Jia, boy, that is a mouthful.

Ah, his codename means heavy armor in Chinese, his real name is Ezra. Luna is Pastel's real name, no wonder she goes by Pastel, too many bullies who pick on kids for 'weird' names. Sophomore in Emerson, and anyone who hasn't noticed Pastel either has vision issues, is color blind, or doesn't pay attention that much.

She took him to a janitor's closet to have sex with him, good grief, Pastel, this isn't how you deal with your emotions and issues.

Crystal Hall
Late Suppertime

Dinner with Helsing, Shisa, and Emiko, her and Shisa unofficial members of the Goobers. Crucifix and Tawiz sound like two people who need to have their mouths duct-taped shut sometimes to get them to stop ranting. Huntsman, sorry, every time I see that codename I just hear the silly song from Freakzoid.

Oh no, Pastel thinks the Whitman girls are all judging her in those ways, unreliable narrator as I'm sure the other girls are concerned for Pastel after what happened. Oh, great, she sickens herself when she sleeps with random guys, but does it anyone to block out emotions she doesn't want to feel at the time.

“You've barely insulted anyone, and you haven't made any dirty jokes all day,” Helsing said. “Either you're really unhappy or you're a skinwalker who replaced the real Pastel.”

Gah! You just had to say it, the reaction from Pastel, she could make a sailor blush. Crap, that reaction, that response, Pastel, I know you are hurting, but hurting your friends like that is too far. Emiko tries to use her powers to calm Pastel's anger down, but it doesn't work, she is cussed out as Pastel storms off, crud.

The Tunnels
After Class

Tuesday, November 29th, 2016

Great, Pastel is in the tunnels again and almost no one has talked to her today. No, Pastel, no round two with Tie, you need to stop that bad habit. Emiko shows up and asks Pastel if they can talk, but Pastel is in no mood, yikes. Uh oh, pissing off Red, Emiko's boyfriend and a UV, not good. Pastel wants to run away, no, no, don't do it.

Pastel, your anger is getting worse, your emotions are more unstable, and you need help. Emiko wants to know about real life, but you go to shove her. You should be glad Red only restained her and not worse. A job in Doyle, in her current mental state, seems like it might make matters worse. Released by Red, Pastel just heads off into the tunnels, alone once more.

Doyle, Surgical Area
Evening
Tuesday, November 29th, 2016

Dr. Guitterez hands Pastel an expensive-looking necklace for Pastel to wear, I wonder what it does.

She didn't feel real anymore, and everything was pushing her further into non-existence.

Oh crap, this is a sign of several bad mental health issues, not the least of which is severe depression and being suicidal.

*eyes widen in shock* Car crash, one of my worst fears, that poor family.

“Not as much as people claim. For two years back around 2006, we were the regional trauma centre, while Berlin had their hospital renovated and rebuilt. Keeping things secret was almost impossible, that's why we had charms like the one you're wearing made. It makes people ignore anything that doesn't look baseline.”

Well, that explains some of the stuff that was going on in Gen 1 at Doyle. Trained to prepare for surgery, Pastel, you have skills beyond your healing powers, knowing how to prepare for surgery is important.

Ooo, a high-end UV sterilizing light and sonic, Doyle has some of the best tools in the business. Oh god, I was right, Pastel is suicidal, wanting to just die. Twelve-year-old boy, piece of wood impaled in his stomach, please let Pastel save him.

“You should always remove as much of the debris from the wound as possible. Your healing power may remove some of the smaller things, and even sterilize larger objects, but the cleaner it is, the better. Cleaning out the wound reduces the chances of infection and chronic pain. If it's a large item, healing can cause the patient to start bleeding internally as whatever it is cuts into their blood vessels, organs or muscle, and will definitely lead to future problems.”

Now I'm remembering the combal final incident with HIppy and the rebar, yikes.

Pastel, stop thinking like that, learn to just react when the situation calls for it, and not freeze up. Healing him just enough to keep him alive, why does Dr. Guitterez want her to do that? *winces* All those injuries, no wonder they rushed them to Doyle. Her powers' urge to heal things and make them whole is strong, I'm so glad the good doctor is there to help guide her. The description of the sensations from slow healing, Pastel has a lot stronger will than she believes to handle that.

Able to heal him fully now, a cage full of rats to dump all the damage onto, you did great, Pastel. A party tomorrow with Pastel as the guest of honor, please don't miss the party, Pastel. You are being too hard on yourself! Using your powers in this environment, especially in this kind of situation is new to you, you need to learn how to be kind to yourself again.

Great, a woman sees Pastel and knows she needs someone to talk to, but Pastel is trying to drive her away. Ah, Dr. Chance, and once more yelled not to touch her, oh boy. Dump that toxic stuff onto the rats already, I hate that living beings have to die, but better them than her.

Crying for over 5 minutes without noticing Dr. Chance, Pastel, please let people help you already. Pastel, don't lie, you are on the edge of being suicidal, I already thought you were suicidal due to your recent thoughts.

“I felt her slip away. She didn't try to fight, she just let herself die! And I wasn't good enough to save her!”

I knew it, you can't help those who want to die, Pastel.

It was someone who could be her aunt just holding her, not judging her, not caring that she was filthy, a failure, or a killer.

Yes, finally, someone got through to her. Let it all out, Pastel, you have been needing a good cry.

Dr. Chance can control auras that much, dang, her power is more useful than I realized. Healing the damaged parts of Pastel's aura she picked up from healing someone else, not having to dump the damage onto other living things, please let this work. A true psychic healer who can affect auras can work wonders. It worked, harder than Dr. Chance thought it would be, not something she could do every day, but it worked.

She even healed Pastel of some pain she had held onto for over a year, feeling like her old self, now that is good to hear.

“People keep trying to get me talking about her, but none of them know what it's like. I'm supposed to be a healer. That's the only good thing I can do. And I couldn't save her.”

“Damn. You got thrown into the deep end.”

“What do you mean?” Pastel asked.

“Doctors and nurses get training to help people, and usually time to learn coping strategies when we lose patients. It's never easy, but we're adults and at least have a clue. You're still a kid-”

Pastel snorted. “I'm not a kid.”

Pastel, you may have had it rough, but you are still a kid despite all you have been through. You shouldn't have had to deal with what happened to Sterling, that is all Scarlyt/the monster in her form's fault. Her therapist isn't helping her learn how to deal with those things as part of Pastel's therapy, good grief, any student placed working in Doyle should have that.

Wednesday nights for an hour or two, Dr. Chance is the best person you could ask for to help Pastel with being a healer. $5 to get something to eat, Dr. Chance is a great teacher and mentor. Thank you for having Dr. Chance help out Pastel. I'm tearing up happy at her finally opening up and getting the help she needs.

Dr. Chance talking to Dr. Guitterez.

“I just took in whatever the hell she gets when she heals someone. And I have no idea how to get rid of it, other than absorbing it in a trickle. Dammit that hurts.”

Gah! You went above and beyond for Pastel, Dr. Chance deserves a medal. Good news from Dr. Chance, Pastel is out of the danger zone and should get back to what is normal for her. Ooo, tricky way of wording that, Dr. Chance, reminds me of Elaine's rules-lawyering. Good lord, I know she did this to help Pastel but taking on all that, I hope she never has to do that again for Pastel. Mixing mutant powers, broke several rules for psychics, I like her, knows when to break the rules when it is needed.

Whitman,
Almost Lights Out

Oof, Pastel going to see Shisa, and Nyx answered the door. Shisa is in a bad mood, watching her videos. Good apology, Pastel, but you don't get off that easily. Shisa gives her a telekinetic kick to the rear for not talking, and a flick to the forehead for the insult. But Pastel still has to apologize to Emiko and Helsing tomorrow.

Shisa jumped at Pastel, slowing down just before they collided and gave her a hug. “You made me worry. Don't do it again,” the cat said.

Only a true friend will call you out like this and still hug you.

This story was hard to read. Pastel blames herself for what happened to Sterling despite doing all she could to save her. With all the self-deprecation, insults, and putting herself down over and over, I kept getting more and more scared she would do something drastic. The fight with her friends, lashing out at others, and even blaming herself for not doing everything perfectly during the surgery; are all familiar to me as signs of severe depression and even worse on the path to thinking about suicide.

I'm so glad Dr. Chance was able to get through to her, even if she had to break the psychic ethics code to do it; if rules prevent saving a life they need to be bent or broken from time to time. Pastel having a new mentor to help her in being a healer and all the issues that come with being in a medical field is great, it should have happened sooner imo and all students who are healers or work at Doyle should have such a mentor to help them. And I'm glad Pastel and Shisa made up, I knew Shisa would do something before she accepted the apology, she is far from a normal girl, but a good friend who will always call you out on your BS. I can't wait for the next story with Pastel, Shisa, Emiko, Helsing, and the rest in the future.

Oh god, the fight to save Sterling from Pastel's POV, this is worse a second time around. Pastel, this fight was scary, it is okay to be frozen when you are scared like this, combat paralysis is a thing and nothing to be ashamed of. Finally moving, starting to heal Avsel, but that is ruined by the psycho they are fighting.

She actually grabs Sterling's soul to try and force it back in, but it just disappears, to feel that actually happen to someone, Pastel, is going to need all the help she can get right now. Oh god, this was all a nightmare of the fight, she blames herself for not being able to heal Sterling, for what happened to her.

“Why can't I do anything right?” she whispered to herself. “Why do I have to always fuck everything up?”

She needs to talk about this and be told it wasn't her fault, she did all she could.

I hadn't actually planned any of this out until very recently. Then several things came up, a few jokes, a few questions about the world, and some other things, and I realized I had a story for Pastel.
I was always planning on showing Pastel having issues from being a runaway and a teen prostitute (her first job comes at the end of Alley Cat Part 1), and this was the perfect time to show the worst of it.
And she didn't actually grab Sterling's soul, but she did feel the girl slipping away without a fight. Her depression and self-hatred just amplified things.

Riley, not nicknames unless the other person approves of them. Okay, never mind, they have nicknames for each other. Punky Boobster, heh, never heard that one for Riley before. Shisa, you little goof, I know it is harder for you to get caught tripping students you don't like, but maybe don't push your luck. Crud, Riley wasn't there and asks about what happened. Whoa, Pastel is really messed up to say that to Riley and run off ahead of her.

EOF and I were talking, and while they're for VERY different reasons, Riley and Pastel have the same defenses, joke, swear and make other people uncomfortable. Then he came up with "Rainbow Brite" for Pastel, and well she wouldn't let that stand. When someone, forget who exactly, came up with Punky Boobster, I knew I had to have them in a scene together.

God, Pastel's thoughts about herself and Shisa, this hurts to read, no one should blame themself for what the actions of others cause when all they did was try to help. Trying to drive Shisa away with the reason she doesn't want Shisa to go to jail, I see what you are doing Pastel, but a true friend won't abandon you in your time of need no matter how much you lash out.

We'll see in Alley Cat 2, why Pastel has a bit of hero worship when it comes to Shisa. It ain't pretty.

I see why the story is called Spiralling, but I hope someone pulls her out of it before it is too late, this is heartbreaking to watch.

I wasn't sure of a good name, and then I thought about her spiralling, and there was no other option. Also as I was writing this, I was calling myself a bastard fairly regularly.

Dr. Markham having a session with Pastel, asking why she skipped class today. Ah, her old leather jacket, I think we all have a piece of clothes we cling to like armor against the world. How she is feeling, I know Dr. Markham is trying to be gentle with her, but after what happened to Sterling she should have an idea of how Pastel feels. Ouch, Pastel, you went through a traumatic event, keeping your word when your mind and emotions are dealing with that isn't as important as getting help.

Almost an entire year living on the streets with other teens, that long, and to have this happen. No! Healing is not the only thing that makes you worth anything, you are a human being and you matter no matter what you can or can't do.

That leather jacket has been through a lot with Pastel, and holds a lot of meaning for her.
And Dr. Markham is trying to ease Pastel into lowering her defenses, and get back into a routine with rules and schedules. Runaways usually have a very hard time fitting back into society, and want to push back or lash out when they can't do what they want. But they need a routine and normal interactions or they won't feel safe and secure. It's a balancing act, which takes a lot of effort from both sides to make it work. And Pastel has only been at Whately for about a month.
Adding to Pastel's problems is being a sex worker. She didn't choose it no child can, she saw it as the only way for her to survive when money, food and a place to sleep was offered. So depression, self-hatred, negativity, and other things are all likely to occur.

Oh, good, an Asian boy shows up and snaps her out of her thoughts, needs a way out of the tunnels and to the workshop so Pastel is going to be his guide. Came down there from Range 6, no wonder he is so lost. Tie Fu Tu Jia, boy, that is a mouthful.
...
She took him to a janitor's closet to have sex with him, good grief, Pastel, this isn't how you deal with your emotions and issues.

I hadn't planned this for Tie. I had some things for him planned out, but this meeting was not in the cards. however as I was writing, I realized this worked better for my plans than what I'd originally thought of.
It also shows how Pastel is turning self destructive, falling back on learned habits, not because she likes them, but because it was what she used to do and she doesn't know how else to react.

Gah! You just had to say it, the reaction from Pastel, she could make a sailor blush. Crap, that reaction, that response, Pastel, I know you are hurting, but hurting your friends like that is too far. Emiko tries to use her powers to calm Pastel's anger down, but it doesn't work, she is cussed out as Pastel storms off, crud.

This scene hurt possibly worse than the part with Tie.
Coming up with an insult for Shisa, I dug deep to find the one that would hurt the very worst. I knew it would have to be bad to make Shisa drop her.

Uh oh, pissing off Red, Emiko's boyfriend and a UV, not good. Pastel wants to run away, no, no, don't do it.

Pastel, your anger is getting worse, your emotions are more unstable, and you need help. Emiko wants to know about real life, but you go to shove her. You should be glad Red only restained her and not worse. A job in Doyle, in her current mental state, seems like it might make matters worse. Released by Red, Pastel just heads off into the tunnels, alone once more.

Revealing Emiko's boyfriend so soon hadn't been in the cards. However this was the perfect scene for the pair. How the pair get together is actually really sweet, and I can't wait to show it.
But Red is still a rager, and if someone hurts Emiko, they're going to die.

*eyes widen in shock* Car crash, one of my worst fears, that poor family.

“Not as much as people claim. For two years back around 2006, we were the regional trauma centre, while Berlin had their hospital renovated and rebuilt. Keeping things secret was almost impossible, that's why we had charms like the one you're wearing made. It makes people ignore anything that doesn't look baseline.”

Well, that explains some of the stuff that was going on in Gen 1 at Doyle. Trained to prepare for surgery, Pastel, you have skills beyond your healing powers, knowing how to prepare for surgery is important.

The little conversation about Gen1 Doyle and the necklace was written just before I came up with the story. We needed a way to explain how Whateley was the regional trauma center, despite being out of the way and on a private school campus. So remodeling and rebuilding a hospital, and Whateley was a stopgap measure.

Now I'm remembering the combal final incident with HIppy and the rebar, yikes.

I was thinking of that while writing this scene. I also needed a reason for her to go slow, so a bit of a lesson on mutant healing.

The description of the sensations from slow healing, Pastel has a lot stronger will than she believes to handle that.

Part of this is psychosomatic. She is REALLY depressed, so she's unintentionally amplifying and adding a lot of negative emotions to what should only be a little uncomfortable.

Using your powers in this environment, especially in this kind of situation is new to you, you need to learn how to be kind to yourself again.

Her thinking about how healing was the only good thing she could do, was a hint at her usual attitude. She likes healing, she doesn't like having to let it out on animals, but healing people really makes her feel useful and a good person, despite all the things she's done that she thinks soiled her.
Sterling effectively dying on her, set her spiralling so nothing she can do is good enough in her eyes.

Crying for over 5 minutes without noticing Dr. Chance, Pastel, please let people help you already. Pastel, don't lie, you are on the edge of being suicidal, I already thought you were suicidal due to your recent thoughts.

“I felt her slip away. She didn't try to fight, she just let herself die! And I wasn't good enough to save her!”

I knew it, you can't help those who want to die, Pastel.

It was someone who could be her aunt just holding her, not judging her, not caring that she was filthy, a failure, or a killer.

Yes, finally, someone got through to her. Let it all out, Pastel, you have been needing a good cry.

I'll admit it, this part had me using tissue.
I'd planned all along for Dr. Chance to act as a mentor for at least some healers, mostly helping them to not get the attitude that they had to heal everyone and couldn't take anytime out for themselves.
And with the original fanfic character Insight (all the way back in 2015, god I feel old now), she was going to use her power sometimes to help people regain their emotional balance.
So when I came up with this story, I knew exactly what I needed to do and had all the pieces in front of me. If I hadn't had Insight, this story wouldn't have been written, and Pastel would have been upset, but dealing.

Her therapist isn't helping her learn how to deal with those things as part of Pastel's therapy, good grief, any student placed working in Doyle should have that.

Dr. Markham has only had Pastel for less than a month, and there are a lot of things for Pastel to work on. No one expected Pastel to have to deal with an attempted murder, or to have a person fade away on her like that. Most kids who die in Whateley don't make it to Doyle, so they were trying to not overwhelm her. It was ultimately a mistake, but an easy one to make.

Dr. Chance talking to Dr. Guitterez.

“I just took in whatever the hell she gets when she heals someone. And I have no idea how to get rid of it, other than absorbing it in a trickle. Dammit that hurts.”

Gah! You went above and beyond for Pastel, Dr. Chance deserves a medal.

I'll admit I hadn't thought of Dr. Chance taking in the pain via her aura. But when I had it visible on Pastel's aura, it really fit. And it's not an easy or good method of helping Pastel, so I didn't feel like it was a cop out.

Oof, Pastel going to see Shisa, and Nyx answered the door. Shisa is in a bad mood, watching her videos. Good apology, Pastel, but you don't get off that easily. Shisa gives her a telekinetic kick to the rear for not talking, and a flick to the forehead for the insult. But Pastel still has to apologize to Emiko and Helsing tomorrow.

Shisa jumped at Pastel, slowing down just before they collided and gave her a hug. “You made me worry. Don't do it again,” the cat said.

Only a true friend will call you out like this and still hug you.

I always planned on Shisa being a fairly solid person to lean on, who can handle almost anything, and help those around her do the same, because frankly she's been through the worst life can throw at her and survived.
Pastel hurt her, but Shisa honestly knows the type of pain her friend was going through. She figured Pastel needed a kick in the ass, but after that, all is forgiven.

This story was hard to read. Pastel blames herself for what happened to Sterling despite doing all she could to save her. With all the self-deprecation, insults, and putting herself down over and over, I kept getting more and more scared she would do something drastic. The fight with her friends, lashing out at others, and even blaming herself for not doing everything perfectly during the surgery; are all familiar to me as signs of severe depression and even worse on the path to thinking about suicide.

Yeah, I understand. I don't know why I write about emotional trauma so much, but it seems like something that I'm drawn to.
Yay me!
I need to write something happy soon.